We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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