I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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