It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
