I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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