Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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