there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
should my penis look like a turkey
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
