He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
