addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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