Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
