haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
