This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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