I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
