Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
