Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
