I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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