I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
