need another drink. this is the easiest way
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
