She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
