I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
