I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
even my farts smell like vagina
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
and you fell through a lawn chair
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
