Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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