I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My balls are so social today.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
