Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
only you would photoshop your dick
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
