she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
