Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
