I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
