before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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