you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
