His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
