I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
