1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
