Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
