If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
