He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
