Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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