Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
