Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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