Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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