I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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