when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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