What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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