Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
