So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
