Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All the doctor said was why
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
