1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
