Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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