imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
