this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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