If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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