I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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