I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
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he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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