this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
