I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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