I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
