You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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