i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
