I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
