I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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