I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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