I will die if light touches me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
