I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
