I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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